Converting Google-speak into normal-speak

I’ve been thinking of starting my own ‘Google Translate’ service. Not a language transcription service… but rather a simple way to understand everything Google tells you.

For example (some of these are directly from the Google Ads blog)…

Google says: “You should raise bids on mobile”
Rob says: “Unless you have data to prove otherwise, you should probably lower bids on mobile”

Google says: “We’re enabling a safe digital advertising ecosystem”
Rob says: “We’ll repeatedly disable your ads for no reason”

Google says: “You should optimise ads for clicks”
Rob says: “You should rotate ads indefinitely and optimise for profit”

Google says: “Build a better mobile experience”
Rob says: “Create a fast-loading mobile landing page, you dummy”

Google says: “Disney and Google expand strategic relationship”
Rob says “(Not even gonna comment on that one – breaks translator)”

Google says: “How evolving user patterns drive new ad experiences on YouTube”
Rob says: “We’re gonna change the names of all the YouTube ads formats every seven seconds”

Google says: “An insider’s look at the latest Google Ads innovations”
Rob says: “Watch out! Here’s what we’re about to change in the interface next!”

More translations available on request.